Blog Archives

Regrets, I have a few…

…but then again, too few to mention.
Ol’ Blue Eyes was right but my regrets are too many to mention.

Hi to my lovely followers and a big warm welcome to the newbies that have just joined our family,
I’m taking advantage of Mackenzie’s nap time to have a break (no Kit Kat) with my cheap can of Morrisons brand of Red Bull substitute (it’s disgusting but when you’re on a very tight budget needs must and all that). He’s teething like mad at the moment, I’ve lost count how many he’s got now! Last count was 7 teeth within three weeks. That’s my boy! He’s doing so well, I just wish I could get over this agoraphobia so I can take him out during the day and show him off to everyone. Thankfully his daddy finishes when it’s still daylight so can take him to see his Nanny and Grandad, and to see his Granny (my Mum). Just wish that his other Nanny and Grandad lived closer than Yorkshire as I really miss my Dad and Step-Mum. Times like this I need a much needed hug from Jean.

Back to these regrets then. Today is the day of my Auntie Annette’s operation. Some of you may know she was diagnosed with having cervical cancer a couple of weeks ago and I received my letter from her two days ago. I finally plucked up the courage to open it yesterday and inside was her phone number wishing me to call her before her operation today. I was such a coward and couldn’t do it. I really wanted to and kept plucking up the courage to do so, but by the time I finally got there, it was too late in the evening to do so. All I had to do was call her to wish her luck. Why couldn’t I do that? Because I haven’t spoken to her for so many years I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t know what to say to her. So now I’m sat here full of regret wishing I had made that call if only to hear her voice again. I broke down in tears last night and told Daniel that I’m so scared now that if something goes wrong with the operation or if the cancer has spread, that I may have missed my chance to get back in contact with my Auntie again. I’ll be devastated if that happened and I hope it doesn’t. Not just for my sake but I was really hoping Mackenzie would get chance to meet her. All I can say is, “good luck Annette and I really hope things go well. I love you and have missed you all these years, and I promise when you get through this, I will be there to see you. See you soon xxxx”

I do have many more regrets but a lot of them I can’t list on here in the fear of causing amnesty between Daniel and I as some of them involve major life changing decisions without him (and before I met him again).

Until we blog again, this is me signing off as I’m feeling really down about my aunt at the moment and need to go off and have a good old cry. Thanks for listening and see you soon!
Take care,
LH x

The Drugs Don’t Work

…They Just Make It Worse. Once sang a wise man by the name of Richard Ashcroft. And in this instance he is right.
Hi to my lovely followers,
I’m not talking about anything illegal here, I’m speaking of that what is prescribed by your GP and meant to make you better. I take a cocktail of medicines which is supposed to do a variety of things. Let’s see, for breakfast I have…
1 x to stop any more little Mackenzie’s running around and to have no menstrual cycle.
1 x Diclofenac for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
1 x Tramadol for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
1 x Topirimate also for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
None of which take the pain away and I still have the stiffness and inflammation in my joints, rendering me useless half the time.
For lunchtime I just have…
1 x Diclofenac
1 x Tramadol
When the pain gets too bad I throw in Paracetomol and Ibuprofen to the mix during the day.
Finally in the evening once Mackenzie has gone to bed its time for…
1 x Diclofenac
1 x Tramadol
1 x Topiramate
1 x Trazadone Hydrochloride for depression. Otherwise known as “Happy Pills” they most certainly do not work.
Turn me upside down at the end of the day, shake me about and I’ll sound like one of Maccy’s rattles!

Do you have AS? What has your GP prescribed you that works? Do you suffer from depression? Again, what has your GP prescribed you that works? I feel I may need to speak to my doc and get my pills changed to a different dose or type as either I’m immune or they’re not strong enough.

Thanks,
LH x

Relapses and dealing with disabilities

Hi to my lovely followers, and also a big welcome to my new ones too.

Firstly, can I say thank you so much for your kind words and support in these tough times, the messages I received yesterday were really lovely and will take on board some of the advice that was given.
I know that none of you know me, and we will probably never meet, but I cannot thank you enough for the support you have given me since I’ve been a blogger. I also know that I have been off the radar for some time, my son takes up 99% of my day so I haven’t really had the chance to sit down and think of something to say. I guess I should take advantage of his nap times, which is what I’m doing now. Some of you have asked how Mackenzie is doing, he’s fine thank you for asking, suffering from the cold weather like the rest of us but doing so with a big smile on his face. He’s 8 months old now, I can’t believe that already! Time is going by so fast!
Speaking of the weather, what’s that all about, eh? To my fellow UKers, we are in March aren’t we? Where is the Spring? Why is it freezing temperatures and snowing? Mother Nature seriously has her seasons mixed up somewhere.

Okay, now we’ve got the thank yous, talking about the weather and updates on Maccy out the way, we turn to the serious part of blogging. Some of you may have read through my new section about My Life…All You Need To Know. It is literally a mini biography of the last 30 years of my life covering my parents divorce, being abused by a cousin when I was a child, almost dying in a car fire, self harming and depression, the death of my beloved gran… Everything. It’s a bare my soul to you in the hope you will take solace knowing that if you have had similar experiences that you are not alone, and the same that I can share that with someone too. I just need somebody to talk to about it all really. That would be nice. A friend or two. Because as the title of this blog says, I am in the midst of a major relapse of depression. Since we were burgled last November, I’m too scared to leave the house in case it happens again but at the same time I can’t stand being here because it has never felt like my home, and it never will do. Daniel and I are always arguing over money because we don’t have any. We can barely afford to look after ourselves and Mackenzie because I can’t get a job because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis, and it’s damned near impossible to get one anyway and I’m not entitled to any benefits because he earns a wage. It doesn’t matter that all his money goes on child support to his other children and rent on the house leaving us with nothing to live on. The government don’t look at your outgoings and are willing to allow a family with an 8 month old child starve. Wankers.
And then finally to top all that off while I’m at my lowest point, I find out my favourite aunt as a child has cervical cancer. I haven’t seen or spoken to hear for years as we drifted apart as I moved around a lot (13 times I’ve moved in my life) so we lost contact. My Step-Mum told me so I got her address and wrote her a letter, sending some pictures of Mackenzie. I received a reply this morning. I haven’t opened the envelope yet. I guess I’m a little too scared to do so. I don’t know why, and I know I should. I have to see her before it’s too late. I can’t go through the rest of my life regretting not seeing my auntie Annette before it gets her. That will destroy me.

Anyway, thanks for listening friends.
All the best!
LH x

Whole new section added

Hi to all my followers! It’s been a long time since I last blogged and things have been going massively downhill for me both physically and mentally. My AS has severly flared up, last night I couldn’t even walk and almost collapsed as soon as I stood up because my legs went completely numb. Emotionally things are terrible too. My depression has come back three fold and is worse than it has ever been. I feel like a failure but worse of all I feel like I have let my son down. There are times I want to end it all. I think the world will be a better place without me but then I think that I will miss my boy growing up and it stops me from wanting to kill myself. But anyway, as relapses go, this is a big one, and to the causes and reasons behind them (i.e. financial struggles, redundancy, disability and paranoia about being burgled again) all I can say is, FUCK YOU!

News update: New Section added to blog, My Life…All You Need To Know. I have bared all in a mini biography about my life and everything you have ever wanted to know. So take some valuable advice, have a read and you might learn something.

All the best, LH

Tough Times

Its been over two months since being made redundant now and times are really hard. To spend day after day applying for jobs, not hearing anything back from anyone is extremely demoralising and depressing. Yes, its that dreaded word again, depression.

Having battled through it just over three years ago now, I had that light at the end of the tunnel. I stopped taking my anti-depressants, which were Citalopram and life was looking a little more rosy. I’d started a new job, made some new friends and moved in with some lovely people in Merstham. I was dating again after splitting up with my alcoholic ex and was meeting some nice guys out there for a change after years of random assholes. For a month or so I was dating a different guy twice a week. My confidence had grown. I’d got over my aunt trying to steal my identity and though I was pissed at it, it didn’t depress me. Work was great, I loved every minute of it and used to joke that I’d work for free as I liked it that much. The pay wasn’t fantastic but after a few months on Job Seekers Allowance it was a lot better and it paid my rent to my awesome landlord. I was getting on well with my mum too, which is something that didn’t go too well the years preceeding. Life wasn’t bad.

In June 2010 I met up with an old school friend that I hadn’t seen for over ten years, and we became good friends because of a mutual interest in photography. My friends kept nudging me to say I should consider dating him but at the time I wasn’t looking for a relationship as I didn’t trust anyone after my ex. It was at my mate from work’s hen party in July I decided to take a chance and I have no regrets since then in doing so as he has been my rock, saving me in more ways than he can ever imagine. Things kind of developed quickly, a lot faster than I expected, especially after I made a point of saying to take things slow and see how it goes.

I moved in with him January, much to my landlord and housemate’s disapointment as for some reason they would miss me! Work was still going well but getting ridiculously busy, I was working stupid hours but not getting paid for them nor accruing any lieu time. I was getting stressed and the thought of going to work each day was putting a strain on my emotions. I was disciplined for my “attitude towards work” a few days after my grandad died (how considerate!), work was beginning to suck but I stuck with it and kept on going.

I was struggling with pain in my lower back and started going to the doctors. My GP kept giving me various painkillers and anti-inflammatorys including Tramadol and Diazepam. Nothing worked though. I had blood tests every few weeks as my ESR and CRP markers were up. I had an X-Ray on my spine and it was noted that the discs at the base of my spine had started to wear down. It took them three months to refer me to see a specialist as they didn’t know what the problem was, all I kept hearing was “there’s something up, but we don’t know what it is,” very reassuring.

My employers were starting to get annoyed with me for having to take time off to keep going for appointments. I saw the Rheumatologist in December last year and he sent me for an Isotope Bone Scan. A couple of weeks later I found out I had a condition called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I’d never heard of it and wasn’t sure what that meant. Basically part of the base of my spine has fused together and is putting pressure on my hip and pelvis, causing severe inflammation. I was off work for a couple of weeks with a number of things at that time, including norovirus and the onset of Chrohn’s Disease, coupled with the pain of this arthritis that was kicking me down. I could barely move and struggled with sleeping. Not only that but a few days later I found out I was pregnant. Everything was going on at once!

I went back to work and found out on the day of my return that I was being made redundant. All I could think was, WTF! Why? Business is booming and the staff were struggling as it is. Their excuse was they were having role reshuffles and decided that I was no longer needed. Of course this had nothing to do with them getting annoyed as I had to keep going off for tests and couldn’t work in the warehouse anymore because of my disability or pregnancy. Yeah right! I was let go towards the end of February and since then they’ve been advertising for more and more staff, including for the role I was doing. I don’t feel pity towards them that I’ve been told that things have gone on a downhill spiral for them since I left, I feel good about that. I hope that doesn’t make a bad person, but after what they did to me I can’t help it.

I went straight down the Job Centre and was turned away by a very rude lady who said I need to phone or apply online for Job Seekers Allowance. I only wanted advice. I walked away with my head hung in shame. That night I sat down at my partner’s parents PC and filled in an application form for JSA. I had an appointment a week later and two weeks later the process began. Having to go back every other week to prove that you are looking for work, knowing that no one wants you because you’re pregnant and have a disability is very demoralising.

I explained to an advisor this morning that I was feeling depressed because I apply for jobs everyday and don’t hear anything back. She said I shouldn’t take it to heart and its not personal as hundreds of people are applying for one job. I know she’s right but its still hard not to take it to heart. She suggested if things get really bad then I should see my GP and try and get a medical certificate for depression and my disability as she could see I was struggling to walk, especially as I now have to walk around with a stick because my right hip as started to wear away now and its agony to move. I never even thought about it but she made a good point, it would give me a few weeks off to get my head together and I wouldn’t have to attend meetings for a little while. I said I’d have a think about it. But I don’t want to give up, I’m not that person anymore.

As depressed as I may get, as painful as things may get, I can’t give up. I may carry around a lot of burdens but I’m carrying something more important than that, and when he or she comes into the world I need to be strong for them!

Life has to get better, surely there’s not much else it can throw at me. God only knows its done that over the last 15 years already. I can’t handle anymore, please, whatever it is give me a break.
LH