Blog Archives

Relapses and dealing with disabilities

Hi to my lovely followers, and also a big welcome to my new ones too.

Firstly, can I say thank you so much for your kind words and support in these tough times, the messages I received yesterday were really lovely and will take on board some of the advice that was given.
I know that none of you know me, and we will probably never meet, but I cannot thank you enough for the support you have given me since I’ve been a blogger. I also know that I have been off the radar for some time, my son takes up 99% of my day so I haven’t really had the chance to sit down and think of something to say. I guess I should take advantage of his nap times, which is what I’m doing now. Some of you have asked how Mackenzie is doing, he’s fine thank you for asking, suffering from the cold weather like the rest of us but doing so with a big smile on his face. He’s 8 months old now, I can’t believe that already! Time is going by so fast!
Speaking of the weather, what’s that all about, eh? To my fellow UKers, we are in March aren’t we? Where is the Spring? Why is it freezing temperatures and snowing? Mother Nature seriously has her seasons mixed up somewhere.

Okay, now we’ve got the thank yous, talking about the weather and updates on Maccy out the way, we turn to the serious part of blogging. Some of you may have read through my new section about My Life…All You Need To Know. It is literally a mini biography of the last 30 years of my life covering my parents divorce, being abused by a cousin when I was a child, almost dying in a car fire, self harming and depression, the death of my beloved gran… Everything. It’s a bare my soul to you in the hope you will take solace knowing that if you have had similar experiences that you are not alone, and the same that I can share that with someone too. I just need somebody to talk to about it all really. That would be nice. A friend or two. Because as the title of this blog says, I am in the midst of a major relapse of depression. Since we were burgled last November, I’m too scared to leave the house in case it happens again but at the same time I can’t stand being here because it has never felt like my home, and it never will do. Daniel and I are always arguing over money because we don’t have any. We can barely afford to look after ourselves and Mackenzie because I can’t get a job because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis, and it’s damned near impossible to get one anyway and I’m not entitled to any benefits because he earns a wage. It doesn’t matter that all his money goes on child support to his other children and rent on the house leaving us with nothing to live on. The government don’t look at your outgoings and are willing to allow a family with an 8 month old child starve. Wankers.
And then finally to top all that off while I’m at my lowest point, I find out my favourite aunt as a child has cervical cancer. I haven’t seen or spoken to hear for years as we drifted apart as I moved around a lot (13 times I’ve moved in my life) so we lost contact. My Step-Mum told me so I got her address and wrote her a letter, sending some pictures of Mackenzie. I received a reply this morning. I haven’t opened the envelope yet. I guess I’m a little too scared to do so. I don’t know why, and I know I should. I have to see her before it’s too late. I can’t go through the rest of my life regretting not seeing my auntie Annette before it gets her. That will destroy me.

Anyway, thanks for listening friends.
All the best!
LH x

My experience of being burgled

It sucks. There’s not much you can say about it really. To walk back into the place you call home and find that you’re life has been violated is a terrifying experience. No words can describe the emotions you feel when you walk around your home and see the mess that has been left and the sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realise what’s missing…laptops, cameras and jewellery. Things you take for granted and memories you can never replace. My laptop was my life. Materialistic of me I know but it contained my stories and photos. Useless to anyone but me. A video camera containing videos of Australia, pet rats, my boy (worse still, his christening). Physical items that can be replaced but it’s what’s inside that can’t.
I shadowed the scenes of crime officer as she forensically examined the property. Fascinating subject, despite the horrible thing that has happened to us, I learnt a lot and she was kind enough to show me various examples of prints, sadly the only ones found were my partners as they were wearing gloves. We cleaned up after everyone else went home and things started sinking in.
The aftermath is the worst thing as I’ve been left with the fear that they may come back. All the “what-ifs” going through my mind. What if they come back while I’m by myself with Mackenzie? What if they come back while we are out again? I’m scared to be here and I’m scared to go out. I watch people walk past, paranoid that it could’ve been them that did this to us. Things made worse by the PCSO that came round for a chat and made out like it was our fault that this happened, that now we have been targeted it could happen again. I’m now so scared that I just want to move away from here but we could never afford it as we have no extra income. I don’t get any help from the government as my partner works even though 100% of his money is tied up in other things. All they look at is incoming, not outgoings. This country sucks as it helps illegal immigrants and lazy people who cant be bothered to get a job but refuse to help those who work hard but need that extra help to keep their heads above water. I can’t afford to go back to work as there is no one to look after Mackenzie and we can’t afford child care as we can’t get tax credits. All I can say is fcuk you David Cameron.
This year has really had its ups and downs. January I was diagnosed with an incurable, degenerative condition (down), February I was made redundant (down), July Mackenzie was born (up), November we got engaged (up), December we get burgled (down). Now, if things come in threes can we have another up to balance out the equation? I dont know if I can take anything else bad happening to us…