Hi to all my followers! It’s been a long time since I last blogged and things have been going massively downhill for me both physically and mentally. My AS has severly flared up, last night I couldn’t even walk and almost collapsed as soon as I stood up because my legs went completely numb. Emotionally things are terrible too. My depression has come back three fold and is worse than it has ever been. I feel like a failure but worse of all I feel like I have let my son down. There are times I want to end it all. I think the world will be a better place without me but then I think that I will miss my boy growing up and it stops me from wanting to kill myself. But anyway, as relapses go, this is a big one, and to the causes and reasons behind them (i.e. financial struggles, redundancy, disability and paranoia about being burgled again) all I can say is, FUCK YOU!
News update: New Section added to blog, My Life…All You Need To Know. I have bared all in a mini biography about my life and everything you have ever wanted to know. So take some valuable advice, have a read and you might learn something.
All the best, LH
Its been two months since being made redundant and I hate being unemployed. Applying for job after job, not hearing anything back due to the amount of applications they receive can be rather demoralising. Attending the job centre (aka hell) is a horrible experience, especially when they look at you as if to say “why haven’t you got a job?” Well, it wasn’t my decision and my ex-employers were clever with their words even though unofficially I could’ve had them over a barrel for unfair dismissal because of my disability.
That’s another thing, Ankylosing Spondilitis is one of the most painful things to have. People don’t understand that. Some days I can barely walk a few yards without screaming in pain, don’t even talk to me about trying to sleep. Having the base of my spine fused together and knowing the bones of my hips are grinding away with every move I make doesn’t make me look forward to what’s to come.
Despite having no money and no prospects at the moment though, I have a family that loves me, friends who care about me and a wonderful boyfriend who thinks the world of me. The future may seem bleak and our little munchkin may be being born into what feels like poverty but at least he or she will be loved, which is more than anything money can buy, and to know I have my family in these tough times gets me through the day.
This is my genuine thank you to my amazing friends and family (old and new) for the support you have shown me over the last few months. Without you guys I couldn’t have done this, I love you all!