Monthly Archives: March 2013

We’re never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy…

Great advice Seal.

Hi to my lovely followers and welcome newbies,
Some of you may think I’m crazy by being this open and honest in my blog posts and especially the section My Life…All You Need To Know, and maybe I am, but I have always believed you have to be a little crazy to get by in life these days anyway. But it is my honest opinion if I wasn’t this truthful about myself or the world, A) I wouldn’t have this many followers and friends, and B) I wouldn’t have anything else interesting to say. I mean I’ve tried the whole movie review thing, that got picked up by Love Film and Cineworld and I was given an accreditation in their magazines for best newcomer but as much as I love my movies and miss going to the cinema due to lack of money, my efforts were falling in deaf ears with you guys. So I decided to share my experiences, my worst nightmares, my hopes and dreams, the good times and bad times with you all in the hope that at least one person could walk away with the knowledge that they are not alone. Someone else has been through what they have been through. And I take solace knowing that too.

I know that there are people out there worse off than me, there will always be someone worse off than someone else, no matter who they are. But, and this may sound selfish, it’s not about them, it’s about me. I’m tired of always looking out for everyone else. I’ve done that my whole life. It’s time I put myself before everybody else for a change, with the exception of my wee boy of course. Because he comes before anyone else. He is the most important thing in my life and nothing will change that, nor will anyone stand in the way. He is the only thing that keeps me fighting, the only one who keeps me strong. I’ve given up on everything else right now. I respect the people who try to be there and help greatly and will always appreciate everything they do. But there is always something or someone out there who will always try to ruin your life when all you want is some happiness. I just wish I had a magic wand and could make all these things disappear then Mackenzie can have a normal, comfortable upbringing instead of having his parents worrying about having no money all the time and wondering how we can survive another day with nothing. I love my boy so much and will do anything for him, and to the fuckers that want to take his future away from him, all I can say is you will be sorry you ever brought my son into your feud. How dare you call him a mistake! I was sitting on the fence the whole time until now and wasn’t getting involved. No way am I sitting back now! Not when comments about my child are made like that. War has begun!

Take care to my friends and supporters, I trust I have your back too as well as my close friends, family, half of Surrey Police, South Yorkshire Police and my very voliatile Lewin family?
Thank You,
LH x

Regrets, I have a few…

…but then again, too few to mention.
Ol’ Blue Eyes was right but my regrets are too many to mention.

Hi to my lovely followers and a big warm welcome to the newbies that have just joined our family,
I’m taking advantage of Mackenzie’s nap time to have a break (no Kit Kat) with my cheap can of Morrisons brand of Red Bull substitute (it’s disgusting but when you’re on a very tight budget needs must and all that). He’s teething like mad at the moment, I’ve lost count how many he’s got now! Last count was 7 teeth within three weeks. That’s my boy! He’s doing so well, I just wish I could get over this agoraphobia so I can take him out during the day and show him off to everyone. Thankfully his daddy finishes when it’s still daylight so can take him to see his Nanny and Grandad, and to see his Granny (my Mum). Just wish that his other Nanny and Grandad lived closer than Yorkshire as I really miss my Dad and Step-Mum. Times like this I need a much needed hug from Jean.

Back to these regrets then. Today is the day of my Auntie Annette’s operation. Some of you may know she was diagnosed with having cervical cancer a couple of weeks ago and I received my letter from her two days ago. I finally plucked up the courage to open it yesterday and inside was her phone number wishing me to call her before her operation today. I was such a coward and couldn’t do it. I really wanted to and kept plucking up the courage to do so, but by the time I finally got there, it was too late in the evening to do so. All I had to do was call her to wish her luck. Why couldn’t I do that? Because I haven’t spoken to her for so many years I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t know what to say to her. So now I’m sat here full of regret wishing I had made that call if only to hear her voice again. I broke down in tears last night and told Daniel that I’m so scared now that if something goes wrong with the operation or if the cancer has spread, that I may have missed my chance to get back in contact with my Auntie again. I’ll be devastated if that happened and I hope it doesn’t. Not just for my sake but I was really hoping Mackenzie would get chance to meet her. All I can say is, “good luck Annette and I really hope things go well. I love you and have missed you all these years, and I promise when you get through this, I will be there to see you. See you soon xxxx”

I do have many more regrets but a lot of them I can’t list on here in the fear of causing amnesty between Daniel and I as some of them involve major life changing decisions without him (and before I met him again).

Until we blog again, this is me signing off as I’m feeling really down about my aunt at the moment and need to go off and have a good old cry. Thanks for listening and see you soon!
Take care,
LH x

The Drugs Don’t Work

…They Just Make It Worse. Once sang a wise man by the name of Richard Ashcroft. And in this instance he is right.
Hi to my lovely followers,
I’m not talking about anything illegal here, I’m speaking of that what is prescribed by your GP and meant to make you better. I take a cocktail of medicines which is supposed to do a variety of things. Let’s see, for breakfast I have…
1 x to stop any more little Mackenzie’s running around and to have no menstrual cycle.
1 x Diclofenac for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
1 x Tramadol for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
1 x Topirimate also for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
None of which take the pain away and I still have the stiffness and inflammation in my joints, rendering me useless half the time.
For lunchtime I just have…
1 x Diclofenac
1 x Tramadol
When the pain gets too bad I throw in Paracetomol and Ibuprofen to the mix during the day.
Finally in the evening once Mackenzie has gone to bed its time for…
1 x Diclofenac
1 x Tramadol
1 x Topiramate
1 x Trazadone Hydrochloride for depression. Otherwise known as “Happy Pills” they most certainly do not work.
Turn me upside down at the end of the day, shake me about and I’ll sound like one of Maccy’s rattles!

Do you have AS? What has your GP prescribed you that works? Do you suffer from depression? Again, what has your GP prescribed you that works? I feel I may need to speak to my doc and get my pills changed to a different dose or type as either I’m immune or they’re not strong enough.

Thanks,
LH x

Relapses and dealing with disabilities

Hi to my lovely followers, and also a big welcome to my new ones too.

Firstly, can I say thank you so much for your kind words and support in these tough times, the messages I received yesterday were really lovely and will take on board some of the advice that was given.
I know that none of you know me, and we will probably never meet, but I cannot thank you enough for the support you have given me since I’ve been a blogger. I also know that I have been off the radar for some time, my son takes up 99% of my day so I haven’t really had the chance to sit down and think of something to say. I guess I should take advantage of his nap times, which is what I’m doing now. Some of you have asked how Mackenzie is doing, he’s fine thank you for asking, suffering from the cold weather like the rest of us but doing so with a big smile on his face. He’s 8 months old now, I can’t believe that already! Time is going by so fast!
Speaking of the weather, what’s that all about, eh? To my fellow UKers, we are in March aren’t we? Where is the Spring? Why is it freezing temperatures and snowing? Mother Nature seriously has her seasons mixed up somewhere.

Okay, now we’ve got the thank yous, talking about the weather and updates on Maccy out the way, we turn to the serious part of blogging. Some of you may have read through my new section about My Life…All You Need To Know. It is literally a mini biography of the last 30 years of my life covering my parents divorce, being abused by a cousin when I was a child, almost dying in a car fire, self harming and depression, the death of my beloved gran… Everything. It’s a bare my soul to you in the hope you will take solace knowing that if you have had similar experiences that you are not alone, and the same that I can share that with someone too. I just need somebody to talk to about it all really. That would be nice. A friend or two. Because as the title of this blog says, I am in the midst of a major relapse of depression. Since we were burgled last November, I’m too scared to leave the house in case it happens again but at the same time I can’t stand being here because it has never felt like my home, and it never will do. Daniel and I are always arguing over money because we don’t have any. We can barely afford to look after ourselves and Mackenzie because I can’t get a job because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis, and it’s damned near impossible to get one anyway and I’m not entitled to any benefits because he earns a wage. It doesn’t matter that all his money goes on child support to his other children and rent on the house leaving us with nothing to live on. The government don’t look at your outgoings and are willing to allow a family with an 8 month old child starve. Wankers.
And then finally to top all that off while I’m at my lowest point, I find out my favourite aunt as a child has cervical cancer. I haven’t seen or spoken to hear for years as we drifted apart as I moved around a lot (13 times I’ve moved in my life) so we lost contact. My Step-Mum told me so I got her address and wrote her a letter, sending some pictures of Mackenzie. I received a reply this morning. I haven’t opened the envelope yet. I guess I’m a little too scared to do so. I don’t know why, and I know I should. I have to see her before it’s too late. I can’t go through the rest of my life regretting not seeing my auntie Annette before it gets her. That will destroy me.

Anyway, thanks for listening friends.
All the best!
LH x

Whole new section added

Hi to all my followers! It’s been a long time since I last blogged and things have been going massively downhill for me both physically and mentally. My AS has severly flared up, last night I couldn’t even walk and almost collapsed as soon as I stood up because my legs went completely numb. Emotionally things are terrible too. My depression has come back three fold and is worse than it has ever been. I feel like a failure but worse of all I feel like I have let my son down. There are times I want to end it all. I think the world will be a better place without me but then I think that I will miss my boy growing up and it stops me from wanting to kill myself. But anyway, as relapses go, this is a big one, and to the causes and reasons behind them (i.e. financial struggles, redundancy, disability and paranoia about being burgled again) all I can say is, FUCK YOU!

News update: New Section added to blog, My Life…All You Need To Know. I have bared all in a mini biography about my life and everything you have ever wanted to know. So take some valuable advice, have a read and you might learn something.

All the best, LH