So Long and Thanks For All The Fish

Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams

Hi to my wonderful and lovely followers,

It is with deep sadness and regret that I have come to the decision to end my blogging days. What started off as a showcase for my photography and poetry years ago, turned into a way of sharing my pain and sadness with you. My reasons behind this are strictly personal and have nothing to do with anything to do with pressures of depression. I’ve just decided that while there are those of you who share my pain and appreciate my talents, there are also others that are set out to destroy that which I hold dear.

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and kind words over the last five years since I have had this blog open.

I would also like to show my undying gratitude for all the lovely things you have said about Mackenzie, as well as being my ear and shoulder to cry on when I needed to share my pain with.

Please know that I will miss you all and although this will be my last blog post, I will leave it open for you to share your memories of me after I have gone.

Take care everybody and once again, thank you.
I will miss you,
LH x


My Super(hero) Step-Brother

Hi to my wonderful followers,

I’m taking another rare moment of non-gloom to tell you about my amazing family. Obviously if it wasn’t for certain family members, i.e. my mum and dad, I wouldn’t be here today. And sadly there are some nasty fucking people out there that wish I wasn’t but there we go, I could say the same about you and yours but I’m not that petty. But anyway, this post isn’t about me, it’s about family, in particular a certain individual who deserves more credit than he receives from his peers. The whole of the Joyce family are amazing in fact.

Let’s start with my Step-Mum, Jean, who has always been there for me with plenty of advice and hugs.

Next we take the baby of the clan. Well, she’s not so much a baby anymore. I remember Becks when she was a baby and now she’s at University on her way to earning herself a degree in Sociology.

Next we have Benji, simply the most talented artist I have ever seen. He drew my dad a portrait of Elvis Presley for his birthday and it was absolutely stunning, so lifelike. I keep asking him to do one of Mackenzie for me but he’s busy with his Uni work at the moment. One day though, that boy will be famous for his art.

Then there’s Matty. I remember Matt when he was little and when we went to Nutfield Priory Park. He’s grown a fair bit since then. Been to university and passed his degree, now on his way to becoming a teacher.

Marvellous Mickey, their Mum, who’s done a sterling job bringing up three such wonderful (not so) kids. I remember when we went on holiday to Spain over ten years ago, big family holiday, she was there for me and gave me some good advice. I hope I can be as good as mum to Mackenzie as she has been to Matt, Ben and Rebecca.

Finally we have Tyron, sir. Chief Superintendent of West Yorkshire Police who started off as a Beat Bobby in Croydon 20 years ago and worked his way up the ladder. You thoroughly deserve where you have got to, sir, and I am proud to call you my brother. Forget the step part. Not a day goes by that I don’t look up to you and your family with the upmost respect and awe. You are my (super) hero and I know we didn’t grow up together but it doesn’t change how much I look up to you brother.
Love to you all
LH x

We’re not all about doom and gloom…

Hi to my lovely follower friends and welcome to the newbies,

Its just occurred to me that my last few posts have been all gloomy and about how hard things are for us. Sorry to report things haven’t change but I thought I would take the time to write a post that was a little less dark and gloomy, and a little more upbeat and positive. Yes things are very tough, yes I have depression, yes I have an incurable disability and yes I just want to shout from the roof tops at anyone who will listen to me at how much of a wanker David Cameron is. But for this one time I’m not going to do that. It doesn’t matter that I have spent the last few days recovering from a massive relapse. Today, what matters is my focus on what I WANT to achieve. Not what doctors and specialists tell me I can and can’t do. I know my dream of emigrating to California before I was 30 has come and gone, and although I’m still only 30 now, my main focus is my wee boy, Mackenzie. He is, after all, what matters most in life.
Some of you may know already, if you have followed my blog for a while, that I try to be a writer. I’ve published a few books in print and kindle editions for those tech savvy individual among you. All of which are available on Amazon in any country across the world. The print versions available are…
– The Ghost Writer
– The Forensic Killer
– Six Months To Live
– Words Don’t Come Easy
The Kindle editions are only the top three. It didn’t seem worth publishing poetry in an ebook format. So if you fancy taking a look, please by all means do so, any profit goes to Mackenzie, so you’d be doing it for his future, not mine. Also, when I’m not trying to be a writer, I’m in the process of setting up a company called Retro Baby Co. I had hundreds of designs on my old laptop, along with the workings of a new story, but unfortunately we were broken into last November, my laptop was stolen and I lost everything. Having to start from scratch now so looking for your ideas and thoughts for designs for baby wear. The basic gist of RBC is designs of cartoons we used to watch as kids, i.e. Thundercats, Ducktales, Chip N Dale etc but also video games like Sonic, Mario, PAC-Man etc. If you head over to my sister blog and under the header of Retro Baby Co it lists all the ones I have so far. But I need your help. Can you help me out with fresh ideas?
I am going to include a special page for those CBeeBies stuff nowadays like Abadas, Alphabloks, Zingzillas, Timmy Time, Mike the Knight etc so not to miss out. I currently am only looking to cater for up to size 9-12 months but may expand.

Anyways, thanks for your time once again and see you all again soon.
Take care,
LH x

We’re never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy…

Great advice Seal.

Hi to my lovely followers and welcome newbies,
Some of you may think I’m crazy by being this open and honest in my blog posts and especially the section My Life…All You Need To Know, and maybe I am, but I have always believed you have to be a little crazy to get by in life these days anyway. But it is my honest opinion if I wasn’t this truthful about myself or the world, A) I wouldn’t have this many followers and friends, and B) I wouldn’t have anything else interesting to say. I mean I’ve tried the whole movie review thing, that got picked up by Love Film and Cineworld and I was given an accreditation in their magazines for best newcomer but as much as I love my movies and miss going to the cinema due to lack of money, my efforts were falling in deaf ears with you guys. So I decided to share my experiences, my worst nightmares, my hopes and dreams, the good times and bad times with you all in the hope that at least one person could walk away with the knowledge that they are not alone. Someone else has been through what they have been through. And I take solace knowing that too.

I know that there are people out there worse off than me, there will always be someone worse off than someone else, no matter who they are. But, and this may sound selfish, it’s not about them, it’s about me. I’m tired of always looking out for everyone else. I’ve done that my whole life. It’s time I put myself before everybody else for a change, with the exception of my wee boy of course. Because he comes before anyone else. He is the most important thing in my life and nothing will change that, nor will anyone stand in the way. He is the only thing that keeps me fighting, the only one who keeps me strong. I’ve given up on everything else right now. I respect the people who try to be there and help greatly and will always appreciate everything they do. But there is always something or someone out there who will always try to ruin your life when all you want is some happiness. I just wish I had a magic wand and could make all these things disappear then Mackenzie can have a normal, comfortable upbringing instead of having his parents worrying about having no money all the time and wondering how we can survive another day with nothing. I love my boy so much and will do anything for him, and to the fuckers that want to take his future away from him, all I can say is you will be sorry you ever brought my son into your feud. How dare you call him a mistake! I was sitting on the fence the whole time until now and wasn’t getting involved. No way am I sitting back now! Not when comments about my child are made like that. War has begun!

Take care to my friends and supporters, I trust I have your back too as well as my close friends, family, half of Surrey Police, South Yorkshire Police and my very voliatile Lewin family?
Thank You,
LH x

Regrets, I have a few…

…but then again, too few to mention.
Ol’ Blue Eyes was right but my regrets are too many to mention.

Hi to my lovely followers and a big warm welcome to the newbies that have just joined our family,
I’m taking advantage of Mackenzie’s nap time to have a break (no Kit Kat) with my cheap can of Morrisons brand of Red Bull substitute (it’s disgusting but when you’re on a very tight budget needs must and all that). He’s teething like mad at the moment, I’ve lost count how many he’s got now! Last count was 7 teeth within three weeks. That’s my boy! He’s doing so well, I just wish I could get over this agoraphobia so I can take him out during the day and show him off to everyone. Thankfully his daddy finishes when it’s still daylight so can take him to see his Nanny and Grandad, and to see his Granny (my Mum). Just wish that his other Nanny and Grandad lived closer than Yorkshire as I really miss my Dad and Step-Mum. Times like this I need a much needed hug from Jean.

Back to these regrets then. Today is the day of my Auntie Annette’s operation. Some of you may know she was diagnosed with having cervical cancer a couple of weeks ago and I received my letter from her two days ago. I finally plucked up the courage to open it yesterday and inside was her phone number wishing me to call her before her operation today. I was such a coward and couldn’t do it. I really wanted to and kept plucking up the courage to do so, but by the time I finally got there, it was too late in the evening to do so. All I had to do was call her to wish her luck. Why couldn’t I do that? Because I haven’t spoken to her for so many years I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t know what to say to her. So now I’m sat here full of regret wishing I had made that call if only to hear her voice again. I broke down in tears last night and told Daniel that I’m so scared now that if something goes wrong with the operation or if the cancer has spread, that I may have missed my chance to get back in contact with my Auntie again. I’ll be devastated if that happened and I hope it doesn’t. Not just for my sake but I was really hoping Mackenzie would get chance to meet her. All I can say is, “good luck Annette and I really hope things go well. I love you and have missed you all these years, and I promise when you get through this, I will be there to see you. See you soon xxxx”

I do have many more regrets but a lot of them I can’t list on here in the fear of causing amnesty between Daniel and I as some of them involve major life changing decisions without him (and before I met him again).

Until we blog again, this is me signing off as I’m feeling really down about my aunt at the moment and need to go off and have a good old cry. Thanks for listening and see you soon!
Take care,
LH x

The Drugs Don’t Work

…They Just Make It Worse. Once sang a wise man by the name of Richard Ashcroft. And in this instance he is right.
Hi to my lovely followers,
I’m not talking about anything illegal here, I’m speaking of that what is prescribed by your GP and meant to make you better. I take a cocktail of medicines which is supposed to do a variety of things. Let’s see, for breakfast I have…
1 x to stop any more little Mackenzie’s running around and to have no menstrual cycle.
1 x Diclofenac for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
1 x Tramadol for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
1 x Topirimate also for my Ankylosing Spondylitis
None of which take the pain away and I still have the stiffness and inflammation in my joints, rendering me useless half the time.
For lunchtime I just have…
1 x Diclofenac
1 x Tramadol
When the pain gets too bad I throw in Paracetomol and Ibuprofen to the mix during the day.
Finally in the evening once Mackenzie has gone to bed its time for…
1 x Diclofenac
1 x Tramadol
1 x Topiramate
1 x Trazadone Hydrochloride for depression. Otherwise known as “Happy Pills” they most certainly do not work.
Turn me upside down at the end of the day, shake me about and I’ll sound like one of Maccy’s rattles!

Do you have AS? What has your GP prescribed you that works? Do you suffer from depression? Again, what has your GP prescribed you that works? I feel I may need to speak to my doc and get my pills changed to a different dose or type as either I’m immune or they’re not strong enough.

LH x

Relapses and dealing with disabilities

Hi to my lovely followers, and also a big welcome to my new ones too.

Firstly, can I say thank you so much for your kind words and support in these tough times, the messages I received yesterday were really lovely and will take on board some of the advice that was given.
I know that none of you know me, and we will probably never meet, but I cannot thank you enough for the support you have given me since I’ve been a blogger. I also know that I have been off the radar for some time, my son takes up 99% of my day so I haven’t really had the chance to sit down and think of something to say. I guess I should take advantage of his nap times, which is what I’m doing now. Some of you have asked how Mackenzie is doing, he’s fine thank you for asking, suffering from the cold weather like the rest of us but doing so with a big smile on his face. He’s 8 months old now, I can’t believe that already! Time is going by so fast!
Speaking of the weather, what’s that all about, eh? To my fellow UKers, we are in March aren’t we? Where is the Spring? Why is it freezing temperatures and snowing? Mother Nature seriously has her seasons mixed up somewhere.

Okay, now we’ve got the thank yous, talking about the weather and updates on Maccy out the way, we turn to the serious part of blogging. Some of you may have read through my new section about My Life…All You Need To Know. It is literally a mini biography of the last 30 years of my life covering my parents divorce, being abused by a cousin when I was a child, almost dying in a car fire, self harming and depression, the death of my beloved gran… Everything. It’s a bare my soul to you in the hope you will take solace knowing that if you have had similar experiences that you are not alone, and the same that I can share that with someone too. I just need somebody to talk to about it all really. That would be nice. A friend or two. Because as the title of this blog says, I am in the midst of a major relapse of depression. Since we were burgled last November, I’m too scared to leave the house in case it happens again but at the same time I can’t stand being here because it has never felt like my home, and it never will do. Daniel and I are always arguing over money because we don’t have any. We can barely afford to look after ourselves and Mackenzie because I can’t get a job because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis, and it’s damned near impossible to get one anyway and I’m not entitled to any benefits because he earns a wage. It doesn’t matter that all his money goes on child support to his other children and rent on the house leaving us with nothing to live on. The government don’t look at your outgoings and are willing to allow a family with an 8 month old child starve. Wankers.
And then finally to top all that off while I’m at my lowest point, I find out my favourite aunt as a child has cervical cancer. I haven’t seen or spoken to hear for years as we drifted apart as I moved around a lot (13 times I’ve moved in my life) so we lost contact. My Step-Mum told me so I got her address and wrote her a letter, sending some pictures of Mackenzie. I received a reply this morning. I haven’t opened the envelope yet. I guess I’m a little too scared to do so. I don’t know why, and I know I should. I have to see her before it’s too late. I can’t go through the rest of my life regretting not seeing my auntie Annette before it gets her. That will destroy me.

Anyway, thanks for listening friends.
All the best!
LH x

Whole new section added

Hi to all my followers! It’s been a long time since I last blogged and things have been going massively downhill for me both physically and mentally. My AS has severly flared up, last night I couldn’t even walk and almost collapsed as soon as I stood up because my legs went completely numb. Emotionally things are terrible too. My depression has come back three fold and is worse than it has ever been. I feel like a failure but worse of all I feel like I have let my son down. There are times I want to end it all. I think the world will be a better place without me but then I think that I will miss my boy growing up and it stops me from wanting to kill myself. But anyway, as relapses go, this is a big one, and to the causes and reasons behind them (i.e. financial struggles, redundancy, disability and paranoia about being burgled again) all I can say is, FUCK YOU!

News update: New Section added to blog, My Life…All You Need To Know. I have bared all in a mini biography about my life and everything you have ever wanted to know. So take some valuable advice, have a read and you might learn something.

All the best, LH

My experience of being burgled

It sucks. There’s not much you can say about it really. To walk back into the place you call home and find that you’re life has been violated is a terrifying experience. No words can describe the emotions you feel when you walk around your home and see the mess that has been left and the sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realise what’s missing…laptops, cameras and jewellery. Things you take for granted and memories you can never replace. My laptop was my life. Materialistic of me I know but it contained my stories and photos. Useless to anyone but me. A video camera containing videos of Australia, pet rats, my boy (worse still, his christening). Physical items that can be replaced but it’s what’s inside that can’t.
I shadowed the scenes of crime officer as she forensically examined the property. Fascinating subject, despite the horrible thing that has happened to us, I learnt a lot and she was kind enough to show me various examples of prints, sadly the only ones found were my partners as they were wearing gloves. We cleaned up after everyone else went home and things started sinking in.
The aftermath is the worst thing as I’ve been left with the fear that they may come back. All the “what-ifs” going through my mind. What if they come back while I’m by myself with Mackenzie? What if they come back while we are out again? I’m scared to be here and I’m scared to go out. I watch people walk past, paranoid that it could’ve been them that did this to us. Things made worse by the PCSO that came round for a chat and made out like it was our fault that this happened, that now we have been targeted it could happen again. I’m now so scared that I just want to move away from here but we could never afford it as we have no extra income. I don’t get any help from the government as my partner works even though 100% of his money is tied up in other things. All they look at is incoming, not outgoings. This country sucks as it helps illegal immigrants and lazy people who cant be bothered to get a job but refuse to help those who work hard but need that extra help to keep their heads above water. I can’t afford to go back to work as there is no one to look after Mackenzie and we can’t afford child care as we can’t get tax credits. All I can say is fcuk you David Cameron.
This year has really had its ups and downs. January I was diagnosed with an incurable, degenerative condition (down), February I was made redundant (down), July Mackenzie was born (up), November we got engaged (up), December we get burgled (down). Now, if things come in threes can we have another up to balance out the equation? I dont know if I can take anything else bad happening to us…

Updates Ahoy!

The last few weeks things have been pretty hectic. We lost one of our lovely pet rats, Precious, who had been poorly for some time but was a little fighter and held on for a good few months longer than anticipated.
Mackenzie has been growing and getting stronger by the day, he’s a little treasure and absolutely gorgeous, as well as being the most loved son/grandson/nephew/cousin going! Everyone dotes on him and have been so supportive and generous to us in these tough times.
Tactanium Publications has expanded into several areas and taken a number of branches on its tree, including photography, artwork and baby wear. Exciting talks and negotiations to be held with some very talented artists ahead; Ben Joyce, David Berman and Sam Pelling.
Six Months to Live has been published and is now available to buy on Amazon.
What else? Oh, I hit the big 3-0 or 20-10 as I prefer it.
Think I covered everything!
But I would like to leave on the note that my thoughts are with the families and friends who lost their loved ones in the tragic events that took place 11 years ago today in the attacks on America. May they forever rest in peace xx

Take care everyone!
LH x